The importance of showing yourself compassion.

Let’s talk about compassion. What comes to mind?  

Maybe helping others, thinking about how others feel, being kind to others, listening and being understanding to others. I’ve used the word ‘others’ a lot in that list, but I wonder how many of you think about yourselves when you think of the word compassion? 

Let’s look at a definition of compassion. 

Compassion is a fundamental human quality that encompasses empathy, understanding, and a genuine concern for the well-being of others. It is the ability to recognise and share the suffering of others, and to respond with kindness and support.  

Sounds so lovely, right? But what about you?   

Let’s just reword that sentence a little…

Compassion is a fundamental human quality that encompasses empathy, understanding, and a genuine concern for the well-being of ourselves and others. It is the ability to recognise and share the suffering of ourselves and others, and to respond with kindness and support to ourselves and to others.   

That feels better! 

As a therapist I often work with clients who go above and beyond for others, and have the ability to show compassion with ease to the people in their lives. However, if I asked them to show compassion to themselves, for most this is unfamiliar territory.  To show kindness and to talk nicely to ourselves does not always come to mind and isn’t always easy.  

How come? 

Let’s consider the construct of society for instance, this can play a significant role in influencing how we show compassion to others and to ourselves. Society can influence our values, beliefs, and attitudes, and these factors can heavily impact our capacity to extend compassion.  

Often societal expectations and pressures can lead to self-criticism, self-judgment, and a lack of self-care.  Individuals may feel guilty or inadequate when prioritising their own well-being, and this can hinder their ability to practice self-compassion, often leading to burnout and mental health issues.

I don’t remember ever being taught to give compassion to myself as a child. Part of my beliefs and values or ‘family rules’ were to be kind to and help others. To put others first, even if it means going without myself, because that's ‘my responsibility and the right thing to do.’ It may be worth reflecting here on what your own beliefs are about the world, and what values you were taught as a child? 

Recently my daughter came home from school and said ‘mummy we learnt about compassion today’. My daughter is eight and goes to a CofE school, and one of their core values is compassion. I thought how lovely and asked her to tell me what she had learnt. She told me that she learnt to always be kind to others and always help others. I said ‘that’s lovely’, and then I asked curiously, with my therapist hat on, ‘did they teach you about showing compassion to yourself?’ She looked at me with a confused look on her face, and said ‘no mummy, what do you mean?!’  

As a therapist I believe that compassion has the power to heal wounds, bridge divides, and encourage positive change, but I wonder what would happen if we taught ourselves to take some of that compassion we give to others and show some to ourselves?  

Can you imagine having a kind, supportive inner voice that was cheering you on, showing you words of encouragement when things didn’t go to plan? One helping you pick out the positives in difficult situations? How different would that feel? Maybe strange at first, but with some practice over time, you can create an internal voice to call upon when life gets overwhelming, maybe it could even become your superpower. Remember to be kind to yourself; it makes all the difference.

Author: Lisa Ward