A Fortis guide to grief

“Grief is the price we pay for love,” said Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth.

Grief can be hard, overwhelming, and deeply personal, but over time we find our own ways to cope. The memories of our time with family, friends, colleagues, and the people from our communities become treasures, and in our own way, we go through the physical and emotional process of living with loss.

It is something we will all experience in our lifetimes, which is such a sad thought. But as the Queen so rightly said, there is comfort in knowing the sadness we encounter correlates to the love we had and the affection we will continue to feel, and that we are never alone in how we feel.

What does grief feel like? And when the time comes, how do you deal with it? There is no right or wrong way to experience grief, and we come to terms with loss in our own way and, importantly, in our own time. In the hopes of helping you through a bereavement, here are some things it might be useful to know about dealing with grief.

What does grief feel like?

We can never estimate how much of an impact the loss of a loved one will have, and it is difficult to guess what our reactions might be. But the emotions, sensations, and feelings that people often talk about when sharing their experiences with bereavement are:

• Sadness or depression
• Shock and denial
• Numbness, or a feeling of being frozen while our body learns to process what is happening
• Panic and fear, when we are left wondering ‘what do I do now?’
• Confusion, or being disoriented as we consider the changes in our lives
• Loneliness
• Anger, when the loss seems painful and unfair
• Relief, which is a normal response if a loved one has been suffering

Things to remember about grief

We have mentioned this first point already in this blog post, but it is such an important point to remember - there is no right or wrong way to grieve. We all react differently to loss. Some find comfort in being open and honest and showing emotions, while others prefer to process the loss quietly, in their own company, and at a slow pace.

Something to consider when you are learning to deal with how you are feeling, is that grief isn’t just an emotional process. It can affect us physically too. It may be that you notice aches and tension in the body, or that your appetite changes. Sleep, which is an integral part of our mental wellbeing, can also be affected.

It takes time to get used to life after loss, and there isn’t a time limit on when things will start to feel better. In the coming days, weeks, months, you will learn to manage those feelings associated with grief, and you will develop your own coping strategies. But should those emotions worsen, if your reactions continue to affect your day to day life, then it may be time to consider reaching out for professional support.

What is collective grief?

As the mental health charity Mind says, “Collective grief can happen when a community experiences a significant loss together. This might be following the death of a significant public figure, or a tragedy that affects a local community.”

A community such as the workplace, when sadly, there is a fatal accident that causes the death of a friend or a colleague. Even if you did not know the colleague personally, the loss can still conjure feelings of sadness or even thoughts of ‘what if?’

“These kinds of major events can impact us even if we didn't personally know those who've died. They can bring up many difficult emotions and remind us of other losses in our lives. And seeing others sad could make us feel sad ourselves. But we might also find comfort in sharing and processing these events as a community.”

Every year December 12th is National Workplace Day of Remembrance, a day to reflect on the memories of those we have lost while they were simply getting on with their jobs, with a minute’s silence at midday to pay respect. You may find that having a specific day and setting aside dedicated time for reflection and remembrance, whether by yourself or as a part of your community, helps you in dealing with your grief.

How to deal with grief

Take the time to understand your own grief process and any triggers you encounter. You may have heard about the ‘stages of grief’, and while you may find that you do in fact experience a stage of denial, a stage of anger, a stage of longing, before finding acceptance, there aren’t any rules when it comes to grief. You may feel all of these phases, or just some, or different emotions and feelings in addition to these phases, or repeat some. Feelings may pass quickly, while others linger, and others seem to go away and come back again. This is why it is important to understand how YOU are grieving and how you are coming to terms with your loss.

To do this, you may want to keep a thought diary, a place where you can note your feelings and behaviours, where you can reflect on triggers and consider how you can reframe your thoughts. It’s a tool that our therapists will often recommend to clients who are finding it difficult to understand their reactions.

Perhaps, you have a hobby or an interest that can help you in expressing your feelings. In times of grief and mental health struggles, creativity or sports play a part in a person’s coping strategies. Writing, painting, creating music, playing football, running in races, boosting endorphins at the gym, walking in nature, having well deserved down time for meditation or mindfulness – whatever it may be, having a positive outlet can help you in looking after your mental wellbeing.

Of course, there is your physical wellbeing to consider, too. How you nourish your body and keep it moving, and how well you are able to sleep. It is completely understandable that grieving a loved one affects the quality your sleep, so allowing yourself some self-care time in the evenings, to have a slow and calm bedtime routine, can help you in supporting your wellbeing and how you recover from grief.
And please, do keep in touch with your support network, whoever it may be – friends, family, colleagues, peers in a support group, or even the people working behind the scenes of a charity or organisation. Feeling a connection to other people is a natural part of who we are as humans. Know that you are not alone, and that people are here to help.

When to seek help for grief

If time has passed since the bereavement and you feel as though your grief seems to be worsening, it is affecting your day to day life, or that you are feeling completely overwhelmed and struggling to cope, it may be time to find professional support through a therapist or counsellor.

We can also support young people and children's mental health when dealing with grief.

Qualified, trustworthy therapists can help you in exploring your grief in a way and at a pace that is comfortable for you. While discussing your thoughts, feeling and behaviours, you can consider why you react the way you do and begin to feel differently. Your therapist, who will remain impartial and completely non-judgemental, will listen to you and guide you through tools that will help you to cope not only now, but in the future too.

We understand that beginning therapy isn’t an easy decision. So, if you have any questions at all about therapy, the different types, what it may entail, if it is right for you, please do give us a call on 01472 241794 or take a look through our FAQs. We are here to help.